My Story: How I contracted Herpes

My Journey Begins In 1997, with my Psychology degree in hand from the University of Colorado at Boulder, I set out on a spiritual quest to find clarity on my life purpose. What started out as a two month trip to Europe with my sister Michelle, quickly turned into a five month adventure around the world. On Christmas eve of that same year, my life was forever changed. While trekking in Nepal I contracted the herpes virus.

Two different Doctors examined me and confirmed my worst fears. Indeed, it was herpes. Hearing it from a white coat made it official. There I was, in a developing country, hearing the worst thing that any doctor had ever told me. Dr. Pandy’s strong Indian accent made it almost surreal.

Over the next few days, the tiny, windowless room back at the hotel became my cave of isolation. I locked myself in my bedroom and laid there, trying to process the full range of human emotion, from anger and denial to grief and shame. I used to think that only the promiscuous and iv users were the one’s who suffered from STI’s. In my warped mind, I thought that I was somehow immune from contracting an STI, since I was so careful about who I even kissed. I was not sexually active until college and even then, once we had “the talk” (which meant that we both came up negative for STI’s) we were in the clear. I truly trusted the few men that I was ever with and I was the kind of woman who would date the same guy for several years. How could this happen? I was more fearful of an unplanned pregnancy getting in the way of my career than I was of acquiring an STI.

There I was in Nepal, 23 years old and 7500 miles from home. All I could do was plug in my earphones and let Sting and Sarah McLachlan lull me in and out of what seemed to be a dream. How could this be? Why me? Couldn’t I go back in time to when I was free to just be me without feeling dirty and sexually numb? I felt like herpes was a thief in the night who had robbed me of my right to find love and happiness. Who would ever love me again? I couldn’t pretend anymore. I had the scarlet H. I was absolutely devastated. I had escaped 8 feet of snow from the Annapurna base camp, with avalanches all around me, but I had not escaped the inescapable herpes that my traveling partner had given to me.

I harkened back to the time I spent meditating while high in the Himalayas. The snowstorm had forced me to face myself as the chatter of the world fell away. I had questioned life and death, even including a journal entry about how I would want to be cremated if I died. With crystal clarity, the mountaintops had spoken to me. I was to become a Doctor. I knew it from the bottom of my heart.

When I began my research on herpes through the internet I was shocked at how much misinformation and myths were out there. I had no idea how prevalent herpes was and that I was not alone. I was confused, overwhelmed and felt quite vulnerable. I fell for scams in hopes of eradicating herpes from my body. Over the years, I spent tiring hours attempting to find the magic bullet, only to find my pocketbook dwindling and my hopes diminishing. I spent thousands of dollars with acupuncturists, Ayurvedic practitioners, Qi Gong masters, pills, salves, psychics, Reiki masters, tonics and website scams hoping to cure the incurable. Let me speak clearly- There is no cure for Herpes.

I knew from the bottom of my heart, herpes was here to teach me something. I also knew that suppressing my feelings was the absolute worse thing I could do. I encourage you to give yourself permission to feel it all. I recently took a look at my past journal entries and I am shocked that I had such insight after being diagnosed. Through shame, I learned compassion. Through fear, I found true love. Through turmoil, I learned peace. I strongly believe that our greatest challenges in life are set in place for some higher reason. When life presents you with a bowl full of lemons, what do you do?

Make Lemonade